Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
