I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
please come you make the beer taste better
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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