dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
