it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
