My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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