I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
