Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
