I am in a vortex of obligation.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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