Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
