I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
