why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
