I wish life had little blips of pornography
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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