I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
