So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
