She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
