No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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