Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
