well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
