i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
