I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
