woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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