After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Found your dick twin last night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
