this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
