I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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