i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
MIDGETS
????
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
