Rock
Scissors
Fuck
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
