The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
