Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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