when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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