God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
