i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
