i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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