dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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