Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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