I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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