I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
