don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
