I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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