mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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