Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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