i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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