i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
