she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
