Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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