is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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