P.S. I can't hear my feet
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
