You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
