I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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