Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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