Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
