ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
