I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
