Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
